Lock Up Your Daughters, Lock Up Your Wives...

The Republicans are gone. Ravaged by intra-party heterogeneity, poor leadership from King Limbaugh, and a general geriatrification, the GOP lost its support in the electorate, found a hole in the wall, crawled in, and died.

So what now? Who will assume the position of the second dominate party in our nation’s two-party political system? Well I’ll tell you who. The Seclusionists.

Rising partly from the ashes of the GOP’s furthest-right wingers, and partly from the depths of hot, nasty hell, the Seclusionists are exactly what you think. They espouse ideals that would make Carter and Clinton turn in their eventual graves, and they don’t take shit from anyone, even themselves (?). The party name derives from their unrelenting desire to remove America from the world stage, aiming only to bolster our personal success and wealth. Defense is a major priority. Cooperation is not. Imports? Who needs them? Exports? Now why would we do that? These guys are the ultraest of the ultra-nationalists and the isolationest of the isolationists. The name also comes from the party’s practice of avoiding contact with non-party members at all costs. Every member resides together in a cozy (but badass) townhouse on the outskirts of Washington, trekking into the city only for role call votes and Chick-Fil-A, because there isn’t one near the townhouse. While on Capitol Hill, the members converse only amongst themselves, in true Seclusionist form. They signal their votes by a simple wag of one middle finger for yes, and both middle fingers crossed to make an “X” for no.

Most of their policy positions are determined by those of the Democrats. Basically, if the Dems. think it wise, the Secs. think it unbearably abhorrent to even consider. Their extremely conservative stances result mostly from the GOP’s failure to present the electorate with a “standing decision” between parties prior to their collapse. The Secs. feel that an increase of homogeneity between the two parties resulted in the death of the GOP, as their base was generally more extreme than that of the Democrats. Because this extreme base became fed up with the degree of similarity between the parties, it eventually ceased all political participation. Most members of the party-in-the-electorate turned their focus to buying assault weapons before the Obama administration reimplemented the ban.

But now, it is the goal of the Seclusionists to drum up the support of these zealots and reinvigorate the gun-toting, capital-hungry, everybody-hating portion of the electorate our nation once held so dear. By enlisting the resources of these nut-jobs, the Secs. hope to win back the support of a majority of the electorate, most likely by force. Regardless of their methods however, the Secs. will soon be able to compete for control of Congress, ushering in an era of tremendous profits, unimaginable national security, and complete deregulation of everything except marijuana. Once in the majority, leadership within the party will be determined by performance in a series of strength/masculinity tests. The member who demonstrates the greatest ability to throw a spear, lift a large rock, wrestle a medium-sized brown bear, and impregnate the most women will receive the position of Speaker. The other leadership positions will then be awarded accordingly.